The Chuckles Page
- You found it! TheChuckles place on Raspberry Lane's
RazzleBerry Alley. Please consider yourself invited to share in our
levity. We welcome submissions to Chuckles! (Go to Chuckles
Mail to submit.)
SCIENCE FARE
5th and 6th grade responses to science questions on tests:- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.- Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.- The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.- Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.- Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.- A monsoon is a French gentleman.- The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.- When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.- For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
One day a man came home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes," was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".
You Know You're a Mother When . . . .
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You have the time to shave only one leg at a time.
3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.
5. Some one else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons as your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
13. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
20. You say at least once a day, "I'm
not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for
anything.
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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
DEGREES FAHRENHEIT:60 Californians put on sweaters if they can find some
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath
. .............Californians shiver uncontrollably
. .............Minnesotans go swimming
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
. .............Californians weep pitiably
. .............Minnesotans eat ice cream
. .............Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
. .............New York City water freezes
. ............. Miami residents plan vacation further south
15 French cars don't start
. .............Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
. .............Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
. .............Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
. .............Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
. .............Politicians actually do something about the homeless
. ............. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
. ............. Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
. .............You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two-week hot bath
. ............. Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
. .............Minnesotans button top button
. .............Canadians put on sweaters
. .............Your car helps you plan your trip south
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
. .............Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
. .............Polar bears move south
. .............Green Bay Packers fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Here's a blonde joke (our apologies to those who ARE--like my daughter, who gets really mad when she hears a blonde joke):
One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"